I can honestly say I have worked for some great bosses. But without doubt, it is those bad bosses that made the biggest impact, left the largest impression and taught me the most about what leadership is and what it most definitely isn’t.
I am sure that many of the people that know me well would probably say they knew who my worst boss was, but in reality, they don’t.
The ones that they know were the ones who were openly bad, who created a toxic culture that was difficult to work in, they were not good for sure.
But the worst boss I had did everything in private. There was little to no evidence of his unfair treatment of me. His bullying, his berating me, the demolition of my confidence and the undermining of my ability – often without cause.
In public, he was as nice as pie, which actually made things worse. Because when I tried to explain what I was experiencing it was at odds with what people saw. Yes, there were some moments, but these could be explained away as heat of the moment, or just poor decision making. It’s not great to criticize in public and he would usually apologize but when we were alone he would raise the subject even more strongly and complain that I had made him look bad by being such a poor performer that he felt he needed to criticize me in public.
A good friend with whom I shared what was going on said maybe I should go to HR and complain, even suggest that he was trying to constructively dismiss me.
But as everything was said and done in private. There was no evidence, nothing that I could point to that would make a case.
It was mental torture and emotional abuse, and it actually started to affect my performance, which then gave him things he could actually complain about and make his own case against me.
In one meeting, my annual review, he started the meeting by telling me how much he liked working with me, and because we were such good friends he would like to give me the opportunity to quit, rather than fire me. He then asked me, very politely, how much time would it take for me to find a new job. Stunned I said, “err 2-3 months I guess…”
He smiled and said, “Deal, you have three months, and if you don’t find something by then, then I expect you to quit, as neither of us wants me to fire you”. Then stood up and left and that was the end of my annual review.
All this was against a backdrop of a project that I had taken over which at that time was 12 months late, well over budget, and the client hated us. But over time I had turned it around, I had got it to the point where we were ready to go live with a workable solution, the client trusted us and we were on the verge of agreeing on a new deal that would go some way to fixing the budget issues.
I was confused, stressed, lacking confidence and even started to doubt my own abilities. Even worse I had no clue what it was I was doing wrong, so I didn’t know what I needed to fix, or how to go about it.
I never got any guidance, other than find yourself another job. There was no coaching, there was no clear description of what needed to be done better. It was just a constant torrent of this is not good enough, you’re not good enough, you’re letting the company down, all vague comments with nothing tangible for me to address.
Why was this the worst boss?
Because I never knew what the problem was to fix, which made me feel powerless, and there was a constant undermining of my confidence, which affected me deeply, So much so that it was nearly two years before I had fully regained my confidence and could function normally.
No boss has ever had that much impact on me before or since.
Although it was painful, it did teach me a lot about leadership. Especially the impact that leaders can have on people, and it really made me think differently about how I managed and treated people.
It made me think about what I said and the negative impact it might have. I don’t want to say I was perfect after that, because I know I wasn’t, but at least I was able to significantly improve in that area.
As a leader, our words can have a long-lasting impact, both positively and negatively, so we should choose our words carefully.
If we have an issue with performance, we should be clear about what is wrong, and look to give guidance or even coach people, on how to fix it.
Leaders need to nurture their staff, help them to become better, to develop their skills and capabilities.
This leader did neither, he was just destructive.
I often ask myself what I could have done differently, and the only answer I have to that is I should have left sooner.
The problem wasn’t really me, and therefore I couldn’t fix it.
That’s not to say I didn’t make mistakes, but the biggest mistake was to stay in such a toxic relationship for so long – I worked under this boss for 2 years – but like many people who find themselves in these types of situation I put up with too much for too long.
*This article was first published on June 25, 2019
